Cocaine got the best of me

I'm 19 years old and I am a cocaine addict. At first, it was a one time thing. Try it and enjoy it once. Then never go back. But when does that ever work out, right? It was at a party in another state other than the one that I live in. I did 3 lines and a friend of mine did 5. It was a good feeling. A feeling that I kept telling myself I would only feel ONCE. 

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. Here I am, 5 months later, still doing cocaine. I do about 5 lines at a time and whenever I feel the high going down, I take more. Afraid of being sober for 5 minutes. I am sober now. I can't say that I enjoy it but I can't say that I don't. I got so used to the cocaine high that it became my sober. Actually being sober was not an option a month ago. I like to think that I've been better. I like to say that I've been better, too. I am but not as much as I could be. 

It used to only be pot. I miss those days. Cocaine has changed me. After awhile, the high goes away and you begin to feel the opposite effects. Depression, aloneness, sadness, etc. So why do I still do it? That's my question too. I know I could be killing myself and honesly as much as it hurts me to admit this, sometimes i just don't care. 

I love my girlfriend with all of my heart. But drugs come first and she comes second. This hurts me so I'm sure it hurts her too. It used to be better between us. I've never felt so strongly about a drug until I tried cocaine. if i could go back and stop myself from taking those 3 lines, i would. So read this, and understand that drugs are addictive. and some turn you into a monster. Luckily, I have people to help me through this. And people to talk me out of my bad ideas. I'm glad i spoke up when i did. Don't hesitate. Something you either have to stop or you have to die. I'm not done living yet.