Crime slumps as ecstasy use soars

The New South Wales Bureau of Crime Statistics and Research have released figures indicating that there has been the first fall in alcohol related violence in almost twenty years and this has come at a time when Ecstasy seizures have grown by nearly 50% two years in succession.

Property crime has also slumped despite the economic down turn with falling numbers of car crimes, burglaries and muggings. Many commentators are convinced that the rise in ecstasy use must be related to the fall in crime.

“Ecstasy use really mellows me out” Brian, a tradey we talked to as he unloaded his psychedelic yellow UHT “usually I feel like beating people up on a Friday but a couple of pills and I start to feel like talking to people instead, sometimes I don’t even feel any racist urges when I meet Greeks”.

There have been some concerns expressed that ecstasy is damaging the essential character of Aussies. Robert Smith, Leader of the South Australian political party, the Bogan Liberation Front, which campaigns for an independent homeland for Bogans, claims that the rise in ecstasy use is part of a plot to turn all Aussie men metro-sexual.

“It doesn’t surprise me that these figures come from Sydney, there are very few proper Aussies there now. They are using drugs to weaken Aussie men. I am convinced that the recent run of poor cricket results have been a result of the seepage of metro-sexual culture into our national character and this has a lot do with drug use.”